If you haven’t been to Hollywood lately, you might be surprised to learn that the hippest new attraction in town isn’t a movie studio or vegan yoga bar. It’s a church.
Contrary to popular opinion, Hollywood is a very religious place. Granted, it’s not an especially Christian place, but that doesn’t mean the fine folks of La La Land don’t love a good spiritual ceremony, one that promises perfect righteousness to those who follow the dictates of the progressive religion and utter condemnation to those who don’t.
This is why a certain house of worship has become such a hit for any Tinsel Town residents who need a bit of redemption after blaspheming the gods of political correctness. Once upon a time, damage-control-specializing publicists would encourage gay-slur-uttering celebs to rebuild their goodwill by undergoing sensitivity counseling. But in these latter days, the greatest way to atone for the sins of uninclusivity is found inside a church known as the Cathedral of Blessed Wokery, currently meeting in a 55,000-square-foot Malibu mansion normally reserved for climate change fundraisers and Lamborghini jousting.
For example, let’s say that you are a star comedian. Your last five films have been box office successes. Your most recent stand-up outing was voted one of the 350 best comedy specials released by Netflix in the second week of June. As your reward, you’ve just been tapped to host the 91st Academy Awards.
But then 11 inconsequential people on Twitter discover that you made an offensive joke about bisexual Muppets in 1997. Obviously, you are no longer morally fit to host an awards show where hordes of adulterers give trophies to fugitive pedophiles and serial rapists. Clearly your career must grind to a halt until you have been sufficiently rebuked by your fellow progressives.
Fortunately, that rebuke is now available to you via the Cathedral of Blessed Wokery, and in particular, via a ceremony of that church known as the Rite of Perpetual Confession.
What is the Rite of Perpetual Confession, you ask? Like the service of confession and absolution found in varying forms within many branches of Christianity, the Woke rite keeps the part where you lament what a miserable sinner you are. But, in keeping with progressive doctrine, it omits all the stuff that’s contrary to its creed, namely the part where you hear that your sins have been forgiven and that you are deemed an acceptable person again.
If you’re still a bit confused, fear not. Ever the resourceful fellow, I managed to snag a copy of the entire service. I offer you both hymnal form and plain text. Check it out.
THE RITE OF PERPETUAL CONFESSION
The penitent is brought before the congregation, clothed in sackcloth and ashes.
Priest: In the name of the Ruth, the Bader, and the Ginsburg.
Congregation: Amen.
Priest: Beloved brothers, sisters, and gender non-conforming siblings of the faith, we have gathered to hear the confession of our fallen friend, to mourn his sin, and to determine if he is fit to re-enter tolerant society.
The priest addresses the penitent.
Priest: Do you have sins to confess?
Penitent: I do. I confess that, in the past, I unthinkingly embraced the popular moral attitudes of the past instead of unthinkingly embracing the popular moral attitudes of today. Likewise, I frequently used a term that was not, at that moment, considered offensive instead of presuming that it would be considered offensive at the current moment.
For all of this, I apologize, both to those individuals I hurt and to those individuals who weren’t remotely involved but still demanded an apology from me because what are grievance-studies-majors-turned-Twitter-scolds going to do with their lives?
Priest: The penitent has confessed his sin and vowed to do better. Does the congregation grant him forgiveness?
Congregation: No.
Penitent: What? Why not?
Congregation: Because the core doctrine of the Woke religion is that righteousness comes from maintaining perpetual outrage at the sins of your neighbor. And granting you forgiveness would require us to let go of that outrage and thereby lessen our own holiness. So to preserve our sense of moral superiority, we have to stay mad at you forever. Trash you are, and trash you must remain.
Penitent: Seriously, there must be something I can do.
Congregation: Penance, penance, do the penance!
The penitent makes a sizable donation to Planned Parenthood, Time’s Up, or another organization of Alyssa Milano’s choice.
Penitent: Behold, I have made amends.
Congregation: Just kidding. Making amends is white privilege, bigot.
Penitent: You know what? Forget you guys. At least my family still loves me.
The penitent’s niece rises.
Niece: For the record, I’m ashamed that someone with such problematic thoughts shares my DNA.
Congregation: The bus, the bus, throw him under the bus!
Penitent: Guys, please. I’ve worked so hard to build the career I have. I have kids who depend on me. I never meant to hurt anyone. So please don’t hurt them just because of something dumb I said 20 years ago. Please, if you take the Oscars away from me, the only thing I’ll have left is playing the Danny DeVito role in a reboot of “Twins.”
Christopher Plummer rises.
Christopher Plummer: I am the new Danny DeVito now.
Penitent: Oh, come on!
The old Danny DeVito rises.
Danny DeVito: Guys, I think you’re being too hard on the Penitent. Just let him host the Oscars.
The congregation kills Danny DeVito.
Penitent: What is wrong with you people? Why did you have to kill Danny DeVito instead of just accepting my apology?
Congregation: Your apology for what?
Penitent: For saying a bad thing 20 years ago.
Congregation: Were we mad at you for that?
Penitent: Yes. You were very mad up until about three seconds ago.
Congregation: Was that before or after we killed Danny DeVito?
Penitent: Before.
Congregation: Oh. Sorry. It looks like we got a little distracted there for a minute.
Penitent: So am I done being punished? May I have my career back?
Congregation: Maybe. Can you prove that you’ve learned your lesson?
Penitent: And how do I do that?
The penitent is brought before the congregation, clothed in sackcloth and ashes.
Priest: In the name of the Ruth, the Bader, and the Ginsburg.
Repeat Ad Infinitum.
